On a placeholder for disquiet

Another week. Another 20ish consults in the hospital.

I want to spend time with my baby and my Mackenzi, not alone with this keyboard. I plan to spend at least five minutes a day writing throughout the week, instead of trying to cram it all in on Sunday morning. Maybe then, this idea will flow and I can cover this concept in the depth it deserves.

But let me say this much: I find myself pushing sick and slowly dying patients toward the path of palliative and hospice medicine. On my psychiatry consults, I see many sick patients. Yes, there is treatment we can provide. But should we?

And I find many of my attending psychiatrists shying away from my suggestions of consulting the hospice/palliative medicine team. They want to address the one question that the primary team asked, then move on. I want to take ownership of the patient and help them make decisions that respect their wishes and honor their lives. I find this very frustrating.

And I don’t I can’t unpack it entirely today.

So, let’s wait a bit and see what unfurls over this coming week.


Relationally, things are good. Just got back from a day trip to Brooklyn. Got to spend a lot of time with my brother, my sister, and my extended family. I wish I had more alone time with Mackenzi, but I think that will the theme of the next few years.

Emotionally, I feel tired but positive. Baby has not been sleeping very well the last few nights, so Mackenzi and I have not been sleeping well the last few nights. Life is good, I just wish I could have more alone time with Mackenzi and more hours at night to sleep. Not too much to ask, is it?

Physically, I am lifting semi-regularly and feeling good. My body loves to occasionally lift heavy things. As the seasons change toward the chilly, I find myself much more amenable to working out inside and enjoying my time with the barbell, instead of running around and enjoying solely unstructured movement.

Spiritually, I feel the wisps of connection. The last few nights, I wake up in the morning, let the dog out to pee, then I look into the sky and see the waning moon. This is one of my favorite times of day, alone in the backyard with a dog and the moon in the sky.

  • Relational – 4/5
  • Emotional – 3/5
  • Physical –3/5
  • Spiritual –3/5
  • Total – 13/20
  • 3wk running total – 39/60

Long Form Sundays

On Death Podcast

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